


SCP-1489: "The Leg Lamp"

by inkpot (myexplodingcat)



Category: SCP Foundation
Genre: Gen, Leg Lamp (A Christmas Story)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27732313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myexplodingcat/pseuds/inkpot
Summary: Of course the leg lamp is an SCP. And it's an attention whore.All it can do is repair damage done to itself and teleport, though. How dangerous could it be, really...?
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Rejected SCP Object Proposal #137](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/717835) by prokopetz. 



> This was based off a story idea by prokopetz on Tumblr:
> 
> Rejected SCP Object proposal #137: an object that gets envious of other objects that have more elaborate and expensive special containment procedures and keeps breaching containment in an effort to oust them and take their place.
> 
> #the joke works best if it's an inanimate object that has no means of directly communicating its motives #imagine the testing log leading up to the conclusion that it's motivated by *envy* of all things

It's the leg lamp from A Christmas Story.

It just showed up in the office one day, and nobody could figure out how to get rid of it. 

Someone tried to throw it away. It came back. 

Someone smashed it to pieces and threw it away. It repaired itself, then came back. 

Someone set it on fire and then buried the molten plastic and burned fabric. The next day, it stood on their desk in bold defiance, whole and unmarked. 

Sometimes it showed up in conference rooms just before a big meeting with another company. At first the boss played it off as a prank and made a lighthearted comment about their fun-loving company culture before hissing at an intern to take it away. 

It did not want to be taken away. It refused to be hidden in supply closets. Someone tried to freeze it in a block of ice. Someone tried to mail it to an abandoned address. Someone put it in a trash compactor. Any time it was damaged or discarded, it just kept coming back. This was getting embarrassing. 

Then someone had the idea to give it away. Raffle it off, offer it as a contest prize, anything to get it out of the building. Maybe someone would care for it, and it would finally stay put. 

They always labelled the box “FRAGILE,” hoping that someone would take it seriously, and the lamp wouldn’t be destroyed. For some reason, though, the lamp often met with a sticky end in its owners’ homes, and it would end up simply regenerating in their building again. Still, this tactic left the office workers with long gaps in which they didn’t have to deal with the leg lamp and its… antics. It was the best plan they had. 

(Someone did keep it intact, eventually: a collector of kitschy items of a similar nature. Unfortunately, it joined their collection and was eventually lost and forgotten among the other items. The bedraggled office workers didn’t know this, though. All they knew was that it reappeared once again after a long pause, like the start of yet another “What’s New Pussycat” after an “It’s Not Unusual” break. They assumed it must have simply been broken and discarded once more.) 

… 

Finally, the SCP Foundation collects the leg lamp. As ever, it offers no resistance. The researchers look into why the lamp keeps returning to this one hapless company that keeps trying to give it away. They discover the lamp’s original box in an odd corner of an I.T. storage room. Perhaps this was why the lamp wouldn’t stay put? 

The object is classified “Safe,” following the conclusion that it needs to be damaged in order to prompt its regeneration/teleportation behavior. The company and its employees breathe a sigh of relief. The cycle has been broken. 

Sort of. 

The leg lamp is not pleased. No one is paying attention to it. It hasn’t been insulted by its owner allowing it to be damaged, no–but it is shut away with a lot of other objects, and not particularly treasured, and that’s nearly as bad. 

So it rebels. 

Confused, the researchers find it a few weeks later in the corner of a Keter-class containment vault. Uncertain of how it got there, they remove it and place it back in its box, making a note of this strange behavior. They consider reclassifying the object, but someone points out that most likely, one of the D-class personnel accidentally damaged it somehow, triggering its behavior–but, given its regeneration abilities, this is difficult to confirm. The matter is soon dropped, the researchers shifting focus to something more important. 

Then it happens again. The lamp winds up somewhere it should not be. It’s reclassified as Euclid and placed in a more secure vault. It takes longer, this time, before it breaks out again, choosing another high-profile area to appear. To some of the researchers, this behavior is frustrating; to others, intriguing; to others, hilarious. It doesn’t really do anything when it shows up outside its containment, but it has a knack for winding up in comically noticeable places. 

One of the researchers, discovering it on top of the break room fridge, points at it and does a little dance for his colleague, who laughs. Both of them just stand there for a minute in confused admiration for this bizarre object. It’s this kind of random weird shit that keeps them going in this job. The lamp shines a little brighter. 

For a while, the lamp lives in the break room, on top of the fridge. It seems happy there. Everyone knows where it is, and it doesn’t seem to want to move, so it’s actually predictably contained there. Until one day… 

People have gotten used to the weird lamp, and don’t stop to look at it any more. And now it’s overheard enough conversations among the researchers to know what the real status marker is around here: higher security measures. Keter-class objects are subject to much more monitoring than the Safe- and Euclid-class objects with which it was held before. Moreover, Keter-class objects are often actively researched, which meant people coming in to study them on a regular basis. 

The lamp had a new goal…


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written by hoodiedoodles on Tumblr. Thanks so much for this great continuation!  
> Original post here: https://hoodiedoodles.tumblr.com/post/635829661356670976/paintpencilink-prokopetz-rejected-scp-object

SCP-1489

Designation: -Safe- -Euclid- -Safe- Keter

Special Containment Procedures: 

SCP-1489 is to be kept in a standard Safe-class storage box inside the Site-19 vault.

REVISED 11/01/20xx: SCP-1489 is to be contained in a standard Euclid class containment cell. Once every 24 hours, a hydraulic press will be used to destroy SCP-1489, at which point any personnel monitoring the cell with cease visual contact. After approximately one (1) hour, video will be re-enabled to confirm that SCP-1489 has regenerated within it’s cell. If SCP-1489 is not in it’s cell, other sectors will be put on alert until it can be retrieved and returned to it’s cell.

REVISED 8/02/20xx: SCP-1489 is contained in the staff break room, on top of the fridge. No other containment seems to be necessary.

REVISED 3/17/20xx: SCP-1489 is to be held under 24 hour surveillance in a 2-part hermetically sealed chamber 5 x 5 x 5 meters and 15 x 15 x 15 meters dimensionally, labelled SCP-1489A and SCP-1489B respectively. Interior of SCP-1489B is to be covered entirely in a highly adhesive surface so as to accommodate SCP-1489 changing positions as part of a Beta-1489 Event, and a pool of hydrochloric acid is located in one corner of the room. SCP-1489A is to be regularly equipped with a number of destructive tools including, but not limited too; handheld construction equipment, melee weapons, low-velocity projectile weapons, explosive weapons, and cleaning implements. SCP-1489A is sealed by two Code-4 type Fingerprint recognition locks. These locks are to be registered to the two security guards stationed outside the entrance to SCP-1489A on that particular day. Security is to be rotated out daily.

Observation staff is to consist exclusively of D-class personnel with a history of extreme property damage and anger management issues. Every 24 hours, one of the observation staff is to enter SCP-1489A, at which point they will be permitted to select any of the tools located therein and proceed into SCP-1489B. Once inside, they will be instructed to destroy SCP-1489 in whatever way they see fit, with emphasis on the violence or “quality” of destruction. Observation staff are encouraged to make comments about the destruction of SCP-1489.

After destruction, Observation Staff are to take whatever remains they can, and promptly dump them in the hydrochloric acid pool in the corner of the chamber, after which they will cease observation for one hour, after which they will resume observation and confirm that SCP-1489 has undergone a Beta-1489 Event. If SCP-1489 is absent from the cell, security is to be alerted and containment procedures are to be revised

Observation staff are to be amnesticized once per week and replaced monthly on the termination schedule. Staff who show creativity in their methods of destruction are permitted to be exempt from termination, as long as they continue to display such behavior.

Description:

SCP-1489 is a lamp, appearing as a female human leg, with a lamp shade over the light bulb. The appearance of SCP-1489 is not dissimilar to that of the lamp appearing in the movie “A Christmas Story” (1983). 

SCP-1489 is apparently indestructible, as any damage done to it will be completely regenerated within no more than one hour afterwards. Chemical analysis indicates no difference between it’s composition and that of a standard lamp by the same manufacturer. Regeneration is referred to as a Beta-1489 Event. So far, no method of destruction has resulted in consistent annihilation.

SCP-1489, upon not receiving significant attention, has a tendency to teleport to inconvenient or “comical” locations after a Beta-1489 Event. This has resulted in a number of accidents related to it, and resulted in the rather extreme containment procedures.

Partial List of Accidents as a result of Beta SCP-1489 Events:

\- Appeared in SCP-682′s chamber during a termination attempt with SCP-[ ]. SCP-1489 accidentally modified the chemical composition of SCP-[ ] and resulted in SCP-682 breaking free. SCP-[ ] has expressed great frustration about being “muddled with while working”

\- Appeared in SCP-137′s chamber. SCP-137 interpreted SCP-1489 as a sentient human, and proceeded to tear off the lamp shape and unscrew the lightbulb.

\- Appeared in the radius of SCP-001. Infrared recording showed SCP-001 tilting it’s head in apparent confusion, before declaring “REMOVE.” SCP-001 removed successfully.

\- Appeared during a test screening of SCP-2140, at which point [REDCATED BY ORDER OF THE O5 COUNCIL]

\- Appeared on top the nuclear detonation button during a containment breach. As the keys had not been turned, no detonation occurred, but fears arose about it’s teleporting capabilities regardless.

[FULL ACCOUNT OF ACCIDENTS AVAILABLE ON REQUEST OF LEVEL 2 OR ABOVE RESEARCHER.]

You’ll have to pardon me if I’m theorizing a bit with more than we know, but has anyone noticed a trend? 1489 almost universally appears in the cells of extremely well known or high-danger SCPs, or in situations where it would create easily seen chaos. Is it just me or is it… trying to be noticed? Does it just want attention? - Doctor Gears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes from inkpot / paintpencilink:  
> \----
> 
> Ahfksofcjnsrhucksnfhiskdfjbcjghsidksdj;;;;
> 
> I love this! :D excellent addition!
> 
> I am planning to write more too since people have been so enthusiastic about this, but I’m kind of having to crash course enter the SCP fandom because prior to this I had only very basic familiarity with the universe’s premise and stuff ^^; please bear with me folks
> 
> Also: *puts cat shaming sign on self* “Instead of writing my NaNoWriMo project, today I wrote about a sentient teleporting leg lamp being an attention whore.”
> 
> Ooh ok new headcanon: someone in at least one of the local branches of the Foundation has… opportunistically utilized their secure communications network and set up Foundation-members-only social media. It’s mostly full of cute pics of 999, but there’s definitely also a photo of the leg lamp with a pet shaming sign on it. It reads, “I threatened nuclear war because I didn’t get switched off and on again at my usual time >:(”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finished the leg lamp SCP story. Are you happy now, Internet? xD
> 
> No, seriously, the amount of support this goofy story has gotten is overwhelming. Thanks everyone!

“You know,” the archivist says, as he stares at the fridge where the lamp had stood only yesterday, “we really should have reclassified that thing sooner.”

“Probably,” the junior scientist agrees. “It just… seemed so happy here. I thought it wouldn’t move again.”

“Any guesses why it did? Off the record?”

She chews her lip. “I don’t know. I don’t think it got damaged. But it’s hard to tell if it did, right? The report I read said it fixes itself.”

“This is not going to look good on our quarterly report.”

They stand together for a moment, in silence but for the constant noise of a refrigerator, and the hum of a vacuum being pushed around across the hall by early-morning cleaning staff.

“There’s another question,” he says finally.

She nods, considering the implications. The lamp had so far seemed harmless, but she could imagine the havoc it might wreak if it turns out to be willful and malicious after all.

“I’ll call Containment if you get Jekyll to round up some D-classers,” she says at last. “We’d better start looking.”

—

Months later.

“Isn’t this overcorrecting a little?” she asks, watching the construction crew fill the acid pool.

“After the button incident? Hardly.” The containment expert shifts his weight. He’s been standing here with this weapon for a while. Guard duty isn’t usually on his agenda, but he’d spoken to their branch supervisor about his concerns that SCP-1489 would teleport into the new containment chamber while it was still under construction. He’s tired of the lax procedures this object has enjoyed so far.

“Do you really think coating the walls and floor in superglue is enough to keep it from teleporting? I mean, think of all the secure locations it’s appeared in.” The junior scientist peers through the window on her tiptoes to check the progress. The pool has to be filled slowly, in order not to splash.

“Can’t hurt.”

“I guess not,” she says. “Where is it now?”

“It’s in its old Euclid vault. Got some D-classers destroying it every time it regenerates. The current thinking is, it can’t teleport if it’s broken.”

“Hmm.”

“That’s your skeptical hmm. You can speak freely, you know.”

“Do you think it… likes being broken?”

“Doesn’t matter what it likes. It matters that it’s contained.”

“That’s not what I meant. Is there something about the destruction that it wants? That company that had it said they tried to destroy it in lots of different ways, and it kept coming back to them.”

“They had the box.”

“And it always teleports somewhere within ten kilometers of the box, yes,” she finishes. “But why back to that company? It never goes… I don’t know, into a tree or something. Always around people.”

“You’ve been listening to Gears. He’s got a cog loose, you know.”

“Hmm.”

He sighs. “I suppose we could… make a performance out of it. Have people watch as it’s destroyed every day. Like it’s special.”

“It might help,” she says. “And it’ll get Gears off your back, at least.” She smiles.

He watches the construction workers setting up the superglue mechanisms and shrugs. “…Can’t hurt.”

—

It works. Finally, something works.

The lamp isn’t sure what to make of this at first. In the past, it’s considered being damaged an insult–neglect on the part of its keepers, who should be treating it carefully, as a valuable object. But this… these people… what are they doing? They know it regenerates and destroy it anyway. Why? In hopes of being rid of it permanently? To observe its abilities? …As worship?

Nevertheless, this is better than being forgotten. It’s being taken seriously at last, and that feels good. Any attention is better than no attention.

It decides to stay. For now.

—

Months later (again)…

“This is what you brought me in for? To smash a slutty lamp?”

Rotating in new D-class personnel for leg lamp duty. Always fun.

“Literally, yes,” the containment expert says, not looking up from his clipboard. “Although if you can figure out a way to destroy it with the other interpretation of that instruction, we’ll count that as creative.”

Sniggering from the observers.

“Hey, don’t shame it,” the scientist says, sounding offended. “It can wear whatever it wants.”

The containment expert raises his eyebrows at her, still not looking up from the paperwork. “This place has done strange things to your sense of humor.”

“Um.”

The containment expert looks up. The scientist is now holding the leg lamp.

“I think it likes me?” she squeaks.

The lamp has hit her in the side of the face with its lampshade. The fringe on its edge, evocative of the hem of a fancy dress, is swinging back and forth, tapping on her cheek. Somehow, this is the detail that captures the containment expert’s full attention, before he recovers enough to speak. “It could get out all this time?”

“This requires more testing to be sure,” she says, shifting the lamp in her hands, “but I think you might owe Dr. Gears an apology.”

—

SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES for SCP-1489 “The Leg Lamp”

REVISED 4/19/20XX:

SCP-1489 is now stored within a standard high-security vault, atop a shrine consisting of a mahogany table covered in a silk tablecloth, upon which also stand a number of photographs of SCP-1489. Two elaborate candelabras filled stand at either end of the table and are to be kept full of lit candles at all times.

Once per week, a staff member will enter the vault and take photographs of SCP-1489, print them on a high-quality photo printer located just outside the vault, and update the photos in the frames surrounding SCP-1489. Old photos are to be destroyed using the standard secure procedure.

NOTES

SCP-1489 is now frequently used as an example during initiation of new staff, and will often teleport into new members’ arms if praised. After 19 months of containment in this manner, SCP-1489 has not breached containment. Its story serves as an excellent cautionary tale to new scientists of the unpredictability behind the motives of sentient Objects, and the importance of careful testing to determine appropriate containment procedures, even of those Objects which appear benign or harmless.

END RECORD.

**Author's Note:**

> (I’ve never written for this fandom before, pls don’t mind me if I’m borking it up somehow, I just had to write this crackfic :p)


End file.
